Sydney Harbour, its 11:59 pm, a million people have gathered to watch the fireworks at the waterfront. Quite a few of them with such bated breath, that if they were breath tested for ‘dopey lust’ it would rate well above the legal limit , it was mostly cause they have been planning their advances on this monstrous occasion to get their new years off with a bang. Then there were the others who were drunk out of their skulls, to forget a similar motive they should pulled off tonight, but incidentally they did manage to breath-match their lust dove counterparts in the alcohol version of the same meter. Anyways the clocks ticks by, its heading towards midnight, the excitement soars , so does the facial excrement levels, well above any limit on any devised meter. The countdown begins, 10, 9, 8 , 7….the crowds keeping joining this frenzy of a countdown and are getting louder by the second. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, then finally a loud one. But for some reason, no there are absolutely no fireworks after that one. Not one. It should have been renamed a countdown to silence, now that i think of it. All of a sudden, the large appointed TV screens in the area(and across the world) flickered as if channels were being changed and every single person by now forgot about the fireworks and let out what will be known in history as the loudest gasp ever recorded in history of the mankind. It was a familiar sound, everyone had experienced it at their workplace, but this collective gasp was bizarrely louder, doesn’t matter if the next few moments were more unexpected than bizarre.
There he was in pristinely clear hi-definition wide-screen digital. God. He looked pissed. He was absolutely furious, he showed such a state of rage, it was scary, more so on surround sound, but really if you knew him personally, you would understand his problem, it was just plain despair, utter despair to be exact, with the human kind, it also seemed like he had momentarily forgotten he was on television, but when he did remember, he smiled. The smile could be best described as the sort a 6 o clock news-reader flashes on screen when has to switch to a story about poor cat being rescued from a tree, right after reading out the shocking news about 122,723 deaths in a remote part of Africa due to contamination of botox injections. Nobody during those moments would see the funny side of God making his debut on the small screen or would have thought God would turn out to be such a fine actor, or the even the E News report which followed a few days later, about a few Hollywood producers offering Him a special appearance role in the much awaited comeback of a famous sitcom, or maybe just the eternal secret that God himself chose to appear on TV instead of the skies, cause he was smart enough to know that appearing in the skies would really just scare the shit out of people. So TV it was.
“This is God. I know you might not recognize me, but i’m sure you’ve heard of me, The Holy One, Allah, and whatever else you guys call me. Anyways, I have decided to finally take matters into my own hands, and sort out the mess you humans have had created about who I am, and where is this life leading to. My time is precious as you all might know, but ive got 7 days off for this ultra long weekend, so I’m gonna use it to analyze what exactly went wrong in my creation here on earth. I will be consulting a range of people and then exactly one week from today i will call upon a single representative of every religion and race to a conference, and there, all shall be revealed. The venue is still undecided. So stay tuned, and like all other good interruptions, i’d like to say, sorry for the inconvenience.”
And then it was back to regular programming, no more no less, God didn’t like beating around the bush, or so it seemed, 60 seconds of airtime is all he needed to get his message across, people working at the TV stations across the world would be really surprised and happy if they knew he had already posted them cheques in the mail for using that unsolicited airtime, thats how considerate he was, how could he not be, after all he was God.
There was a pandemonium outbreak right across the world after this guerrilla type broadcast, and as you might expect, people are excitedly talking about this amongst themselves and spreading news to their families and friends who missed it, “Do you know God himself came on TV about 5 mins back, yes GOD!!HE has finally decided to provide us with the meaning of life, isnt all this wonderful, arent we all lucky??I wish Aunt Emma were alive to hear this one”, there were others were less apprehensive, “Do you think it was some kind of joke man, who thought God would really exist? I thought he was just a figment of fiction created to keep people under control! Think about it, money just wouldn’t work if there was no fear of God, but Brij, if he really does exist, we are doomed, we’ve got to work real jobs for the rest all our goddamned lives” , while most people were having a similar animated conversation of sorts, there is a group of people who aren’t really jumping or talking about this recent appearance extraordinare of the biggest celebrity ever known to the human race, who really transcends all races, colors and even most celebrities in looks. These poor philosophers feel like they’ve lost the battle, knowing the point of life just totally ruins it for them, the general feeling within them at that moment ranges from getting angry at every second person to feeling extremely suicidal, they see no point of living anymore cause they wanted to discover the meaning of life themselves, and now God himself arrives on the scene and the ultimate answer will be for all to know within the next 7 days. “What a selfish jerk” some mutter, dumbly forgetting that he can hear each one of us, and if you did realise he could listen to you, then you tend to forget its a highly stressful job by any standards deciphering 7 billion people, 24 hrs a day, thinking of it as working at a 7/11 store serving the same amount of people every second, whew, makes me glad about being unemployed! But overall, people of all religions were really happy that God finally decided to come out of the closet, they were all eager to know the meaning of life and they were ready for it, but more importantly what made them truly truly excited was experiencing the joy of knowing that their religion was on the right track all this time, when the true meaning of life was finally revealed, so they can all go “Halleomallah” at the top of their voices and of course that also means they get the biggest prize of them all, the ultimate pleasure of telling every other religion to go stick their teachings up their….